Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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