Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
