I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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