thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
