I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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