Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
