Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
