Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize