In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
