You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
