my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
