Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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