R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
