I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
People in love make me want to vomit
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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