she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i came on her dog
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
