apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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