Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just google imaged poop.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
