OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
