Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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