i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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