I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize