she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
it glows. i had to have it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize