Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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