Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
