i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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