I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
