i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
