I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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