After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You did what with his pubic hair?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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