It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
