I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
