lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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