I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
