she smelled like a LAN party
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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