I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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