i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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