All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
