We need to rekindle our bromance
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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