your thong is hanging out like whoa
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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