So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
