you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
