my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
