plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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