I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
