I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I FOUND THE LEGS
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
