you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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