her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
