she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
