and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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