Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
