you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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