Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
