I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
