So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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