Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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