Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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