this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
