I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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